Thursday, 18 July 2013 00:38


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Ecclesiastes 2:10
Whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them.  I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, For my heart rejoiced in all my labor; and this was my reward from all my labor.

As a child I can remember my mother dancing with me.  She would take my hands and place my small feet on top of hers and we would dance, sometimes spinning in circles until I became dizzy.  I would grow to miss the times we spent dancing but it was a tradition that I continued with my children as their feet were too small to keep up; but like me; I am sure they enjoyed it just the same.

Looking back over the years I began to understand that my mother was just a young girl of 14 when she gave birth to me so it was hard for her at times.  But it would not be until I was a parent myself that I would come to obtain a deeper understand as to why she made many of the decisions that she made; and now, being a mother myself, I have an even deeper love for her.

You see, many of her decisions were based on her lack of life’s experiences that come with age and wisdom, needless to say that while growing up, our relationship was not the best.  It would take years before the healing process would begin.  God would ultimately heal our estranged relation but He would also allow me to find the hidden treasures within her and a new found respect and love for her.

I took the time to reflect on what seems today, a lifetime we shared although, appearing so short and yet so full.  On Memorial Day, May 27, 2013 my mother died.  And God allowed us to speak almost daily prior to her passing.  Life had been preparing me for this day and even then, when it happened, it took a little piece of my heart; but I was able to find comfort in knowing that she labored no more.

I write these truths in honor of the life she lived because one of the things she told me when I accepted the journey of writing was “no matter what Pamela always tell the truth about our journey together no matter how painful it is, tell the truth.  And in time perhaps I will, truly Madea had nothing on her.

As child herself, she gave what she had to give and it would be unfair to expect her to give anything but what her definition of love was.  There would be times when I would often wonder why I grew up different from what was portrayed on television.  As a youngster my mother made me keep my head in the books.  She once told me that I could go anywhere I dreamed of going and for now I could find it all within a book.  “Never allow yourself to believe there were limits in life or that you cannot overcome and accomplish anything you put my mind to Pamela.”  You see, in spite of it all, my mother placed some truths into me that sustain me even as I write this.

She was very adamant about the importance of education and history.  She loved history and would later go on to college and obtain her Master’s Degree.  But during the years that I felt I was in need of what I thought was a mother that baked cookies, stayed home and saw me off on school trips, she was living her life and finding herself.

What I perceived of a person that was lacking love and confidence was in fact a woman that had made up in her mind that she was going to live life to the fullest with no regrets and love unconditionally.  She had a love of poetry but never realized just how gifted she was.  She sought love in many of the wrong places and continued to seek the approval of others when God had already accepted her and loved her with a love that no one could match.

And now as a mother, I can understand her and her need to find love in some of the wrong places.  You see she would give her all just to be loved.  Now granted, there is none without sin, no not one but it would not be until I was a mother myself that I began to understand her fully.
And as I write these things about her I can truly say that the good times outweighed the bad.  She came back into my life like a storm which was how she usually did things but she was there during one of the most difficult times I would have to face.

Going through a divorce and alone my mother was there.  She never judged me and we had our heated conversations but I never failed to believe that she loved me.  She would always say, I want you to dance to the beat that life has for you and if the music becomes too fast, find a slower tune, but dance Pamela dance!

She once bought me the CD “I Hope You Dance” by Leann Rhymes and I played it so much that my children hid it from me.  Yes, I loved my mother dearly and know that she loved me. And as she touched the lives of many along the way, in her final days, not many of them were a part of her life but I know that their lives were changed because she had sown seeds of love, education and a love for life.  And as I finish this story sitting on the steps of where I live with my computer, the tears are falling and looking up there is a small hummingbird actually hovering right in front of me.  It reminds me of the gracefulness found in dancing.
So to my mother, I am dancing Mom, because of you, I am dancing and I believe that the sky is the limit!

To my mother
Carria C. Hawkins
September 23, 1946 – May 27, 2013

Ecclesiastes 3:4
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

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